Cellulite Stories, Declassified (Codename: CocoNutty Professor)

If you think it’s impossible to lose weight over the holidays, wait until you read this Cellulite Story by Laurie CocoNutty Professor.  Not only did she lose ten pounds in less than two months, she did so without “dieting” or additional exercise! Read on to find out how she did it…

1. At what age did you first notice your cellulite? How would you describe it?

I don’t remember exactly when it showed up. It was a gradual thing, probably starting in my mid-20′s when I got a desk job and was much less active.  I put on some weight, then I had two kids and put on a little more weight, and my “good, wide birthing hips ” have never been quite the same.

Hmmm… description… soft and “cottage cheesy” looking, concentrated on the buttocks and upper thighs. A friend who works at a spa told me it is Stage One cellulite. It’s actually quite soft and doughlike, very malleable and not painful at all. Lightly adorned with some faded stretch marks here and there, courtesy of pregnancy weight gain.

2. How has your cellulite fluctuated over the years?

Ever since I had kids (10+ years ago) my weight has been a little higher than I would like.  It maxed out around 20 pounds higher than where I am currently.  Exercise helps (I generally do 30 minutes or more most days).  I do a mix of aerobics, pilates, strength training, and stretching.  I’ve noticed that it only takes a few days of no exercise for my joints to stiffen up and my muscles/flesh to become less firm.

About two years ago, I was placed on a low dose of Synthroid to treat hypothyroidism, and it completely messed me up. I couldn’t think straight, my joints ached, my skin itched, my cold extremities got worse –it was lousy.  I stayed on it for a month before I went to the doctor and said “thanks, but no thanks”.  His solution was to put me on a higher dose.  Aaaah!  I starting doing more research and taking a homeopathic thyroid supplement, which seemed to help a little but not much.  I heard about coconut oil being good for your thyroid, so I started using a little of that, too.

Finally, early last December, I read Eat Fat, Lose Fat by Dr. Mary Enig and Sally Fallon. I haven’t completely adopted the approach specified in the book, but I have added a LOT more coconut oil to my diet –a tablespoon twenty minutes before every meal, plus using it for cooking and baking.  I’ve also added more local saturated fats, including butter, lard, bacon grease and pastured poultry fat.  I’ve increased my kombucha consumption, too.

I also started dry brushing before each shower and doing a series of cold/hot rinses at the end of my showers.  Without any other huge changes and through the holiday season and a couple of major life upheavals, I’ve lost around ten pounds over the last two months. I still have cellulite, but not as much. I was joking with my friends calling it the “coconut oil, bacon grease, sugar cookie diet”.

3. What do you suspect is your kryptonite?

Honestly, I’m not sure – maybe sugar?  I’ve never smoked, drink at most one cup of coffee a day, rarely eat out (eating out usually does give me gut rot), avoid unfermented soy…I do get really bad acne when I eat too much processed junk of any sort, but I haven’t done that for years.

4. What has been your experience with cellulite treatments?

About a year and a half ago I got together with some friends and we tried a couple of detox treatments where we dry brushed, applied a special gel and got wrapped up like a mummy in saran wrap for about a half an hour. I didn’t see a noticeable effect.

The first week I started dry brushing and eating lots of coconut oil, I dropped five pounds. We also had a blizzard that week and I ended up spending a lot of time outside shoveling.  I’m not sure how much of the weight loss was due to dry brushing and how much was due to freezing my *ss off [Analyst's note: It's unclear if CocoNutty Professor was speaking literally or metaphorically here. Either way, I'm a sucker for a silly cellulite pun].

I dry brush every day, and end each shower with three cold/three hot rinses. I used to be a nude model for art classes back in college up in Superior, Wisconsin.  People were drawing and painting me while bundled up in winter coats because they had to keep the air circulating due to paint fumes.  THAT was cold.  Dry brushing and icy rinses in the shower are just chilly.  Suck it up folks! 

I also apply coconut oil after my shower.  My skin has gotten much softer and smoother, and my thighs seem firmer.  Definitely worth the time and effort.  For the most part, no one sees my bum except my hubby, so it’s not a huge deal.  It’s just nice to make time for a little TLC for myself, and less cellulite is probably an indicator of improved internal health as well.

5. What cellulite treatments are you planning to try next?

I’m continuing to focus on traditional foods, experimenting more with lacto-fermentation and soaked flours and grains, and eating plenty of healthy FAT.  I’d love to have an infrared sauna, but I don’t think it’s in the budget unless I can find a REALLY good deal on one.  I want to learn more about the lymphatic system and detoxification…maybe a mini-tramp will be in the budget.  Has anyone applied kombucha on their cellulite?  I know some sites say it’s good for just about everything, and I’ve got plenty of it now that I brew my own.

I’m also considering trying out a Body Magic body shaper undergarment for toning up my midsection.  I have a friend who wears one and he says it fla
ttens his belly (even when he doesn’t wear it), improving his posture and reducing back pain.  My ab muscles are strong but I have a little belly bulge that just doesn’t want to go away.