As I’m sure you can imagine, ANALYST comes across some outrageous anti-cellulite products during the course of her investigation. She debated whether or not to share her latest discovery with CI readers, for fear that one more link to this terrifying product might cause the universe to spin out of control (you know, that whole butterfly effect thing). But since ANALYST is targeting an intelligent demographic of cellulite victim, she thought the universe could probably handle it.
Zipmed.net is the “first online specialist in the sale of Mesotherapy/Lipodissolve Compounds and Guns.” That’s our first clue right there. Any cellulite treatment with the word “gun” in the description should immediately raise a red flag.
“Lipodissolve” is the super-scientificy term for a procedure that dissolves lipids by injecting your fat cells with phosphatidylcholine doxycholate (we’ll just call it ‘cholate for short). According to the FAQ’s (most of which were answered with one-line responses ending in “place your order now!”), injecting ‘cholate into your fat cells has no “identified” side effects. Phew. Glad we got that one out of the way.
Even better, all the ‘cholated fat will be permanently reduced to a thin layer of cells. “Once the fat is dissolved away, it will not return,” the scientist-like writers explain. “While the waist and hip size goes down, so does their pant size” (sorry for so much technical mumbo jumbo, just want to make sure we all have a solid understanding of this product).
Now, don’t worry. Those zipmed.net FAQ writers are some squirly folk and they anticipated your next question. Does the treatment actually work? Here is their fine answer:
Yes! Our customers has performed several treatments and we have hundreds of patients who are seeing permanent results. Would you like to buy Lipodissolve injections? All products are in stock and dispatch with 24-48 hours. Place your order now!
And there you have it. The Cellulite Investigation can hang up its hat. Case closed.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
The grammar in that quote is fantastic! Makes me want to get my own today! Before supplies run out!
Me too! My favorite part is "our customers has performed several treatments…" It's as if they realized it sounded kinda bad when "customers" was singular, so they changed it to plural real quick. Classic.
Wow, "hundreds" of customers. Have to like that high number of test dummies. I mean customers. What did Barnum say about suckers? I give it less than 3 months before it's on a infomercial unless they stay overseas in order not to piss off the FDA.
PS. Thought it was going to be something cool story about how you can loose significant amounts of weight on the new Appalachian diet.
Squirrels and nuts diet. Darn!!
Claudio
If the injection was chocolate and not "cholate" I would probably give it a try.
I have to admit. After writing this post, I went grocery shopping at Whole Foods and just before checkout, I had a craving for chocolate. I NEVER buy chocolate, but this time I picked up a bag of those little cacao nibs from somewhere deep in the Amazon. It wasn't until I got home that I realized where the idea of chocolate probably came from…
How did a post about dissolving fat turn into a conversation about injecting chocolate directly into your body???
Claudio, I just got that bit about the squirrels. Gross! Now that my chocolate craving is satisfied, I had time to change the photo to something more appropriate.
And I was wondering where the squirrel went. Although the thought of injecting chocolate into one's body is not nearly as gross in my opinion as injecting butt cellulite into one's own lips or other "deficient" areas. That's gross.
claudio
Do they do that? Butt cellulite in the lips?!? I'm going to keep on thinking they don't really do that.